The problem is that I allow my husband to speak for me. If it was an interview, I failed miserably. I wouldn’t hire me. So, what Anxiety does is it gives you a thousand irrational thoughts. Thoughts that you believe you can control. But those thoughts have a mind of their own. It becomes irrational and comes up with the worst scenario. I was asked to step in and become an editor for an e-magazine. This is an e-magazine for model trains. It’s non-profit, so I don’t earn any money for it. But it is nice to list on your bio, when you choose to query for a literary agent. It looks good for them. The problem is battling an irrational mind and irrational thoughts. Here are some of the thoughts that shot from my head.
- I hate table of contents. I loathe fucking with it. I hate it when I create a TOC for a book and hyperlink for e-readers. I just HATE messing with the TOC. I remember spending 7 hours, figuring out how to hyperlink everything and how to level my TOC. I remember having a full meltdown. I had tears streaming down my face and my husband came home from work, during my nasty meltdown. It was an ugly sight.
- I have tremendous self-doubt when it comes to publishing anything or sending an article anywhere. I can feel my stomach churn and not in a good way. The first thing I thought of, “I need Phenergan because I’m going to throw up.” That’s another reason for why, I took my books down. The anxiety is so bad that it causes me to throw up. Yes, I have a script for that. That’s how bad my anxiety gets. “Why haven’t you published your next book?” That would be the real reason why. I won’t eat anything, sleep, and stress out. “People are gong to hate it!” To gain confidence, I posted my books on Wattpad. Even posting there, makes me sick to my stomach. It’s like leaving your soul exposed. You’re standing on a stage; waiting for the tomatoes to be thrown at you.
- I’m going to be an embarrassment to my husband and the train community because my article will suck. So, the disappointment from my peers. “Look at what you’ve done to me! You made me the laughing-stock of the train community!” That thought popped into my head.
- No college degree. When they’re listing this degree and that degree… I have 0 degrees. I took one creative writing class and that’s it. I only attended one college and it was a disaster. Anxiety can be a bitch.
- Not perfect! I’m a huge perfectionist. Probably not as much on my blogs as I am with Microsoft Word. It has to be perfect in my eyes. Any wave of doubt, I tend to hiss and guard my work with my claws hanging out. “Mine… stay away! Stay back!” Hiss…
- Not being good enough. I feel that there are better writers and I don’t feel remotely confident in being an editor.
- I’m screaming in my head. “Let me be with my books! I don’t know how to do anything else!”
Those are my irrational thoughts. The house is going up in flames! The mind is going up in flames. She’s a bitch and lies to me. This one thought plays over and over like a broken record. “You’ll never be good enough. You’re going to fail! You suck!” That’s what plays in my head over and over again. It doesn’t stop and it normally leads into a full meltdown. To combat this… my rational mind thinks these thoughts.
- You wrote three novels for an average of 4.3 to 4.5 stars. Not many writers get those results.
- You’re too hard on yourself. Not everything needs to be perfect.
- So, you don’t have a creative writing degree. Consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to go in financial debt over a useless degree. Mark Twain was a successful author and he didn’t have a degree. Degrees don’t mean shit, as long as you have an imagination.
- You are good enough. You are loved. You are appreciated. Your kids love you. Your husband loves you. Even with all of your imperfections, they unconditionally love you.
- So what, if you fail! At least you tried. Not many people write anything. Consider yourself blessed that you at least tried.
- Be your authentic self. People expect people to be open and honest. They respect you more for being truthful.
- Write your own book. So what, if you earn all one-stars. You did something that not a lot of people have the balls to do.
- You know the ins and outs of Microsoft Word. You know how to do hidden scene breaks. You know how to edit in MW. You know how to format. You know how to do two different types of TOC. You know how to make titles and subtitles, look pretty. This is a walk-in-the-park for you. And you need to expand your writing capabilities. Stop ducking in a hole and waiting for the worst to happen. The worst has already happened. You can do this. You know you can do this. Let your rational side take over for once. Stop doubting yourself. You are stronger than what you think you are. You’re living through five autoimmune diseases, mental health issues, and cancer scares. You’re one bad motherfucker! You lived through heartache and pain. You got this! Do you and be you. If there are haters, so be it. Shake it off and try again.
That is what I’m battling. Anxiety is a bitch. We don’t talk much, when we suffer from severe social anxiety. That will always be a struggle for me. When you assume the world hates you, it’s a bitch to battle anxiety. We stumble for the words. We double-think our word selections. We double-think everything we do. Even if the world loved us, we tend to listen to our haters more than the people, who love us unconditionally. It is a nasty battle that wages on. Will I ever conquer this mental health issue? I don’t know but I’d like to try.