Welcome to Anxiety Hell! My nerves are jumping all over the place. It has been this way for a week now. I can feel it in my legs and in my head. Like tiny nerves set on fire. I also slept majority of the day. I finally came crashing down and it’s ugly. So, I bumped up my therapy session from Friday to later on today, since it’s Tuesday. I lost so much time today. I was out cold. You go for weeks of feeling good, then too good, then anger, and a huge drop off. Bam! It’s like you had your head in the clouds and you free fell from the clouds to land smack down on the pavement. I had another terrible nightmare. It shook me the fuck up. I emailed my therapist yesterday morning and he returned my call. Of course, he’s panicking. I’m not going to harm anyone or myself. I just want to turn off the static in my head. It’s driving me crazy. The constant thoughts are going a mile a minute. Like speed… it shoots off in a million different directions.
So, you get extremely depressed. You want to be normal but you can’t be. I can feel my face turn numb and I thought about sticking my head in a freezer to calm down. Not for long. Just to feel a rush of ice-cold air hit my face. I hate that “out-of-body” feeling. It only increases my anxiety ten-fold. I instantly start panicking because I have that “out of body” feeling. My body is shaking and my mind is going a mile a minute. What has increased my anxiety?
- I’m worried about my kids. They are fine because there are other adults to help me with my kids but I still worry about them. Constantly. There’s not a thought that goes by where I don’t constantly worry about them.
- The “big” vote. I’m stressing out about our political climate. I’m worried about how the USA will be after the vote. I’m freaking the fuck out. I’m worried that someone will block me from voting tomorrow. I’m worried that groups will try to be mean to people. I can’t watch this at all. It’s triggering my anxiety on full blast.
- NaNoWriMo month: Did I overwrite? The people in my region are going to hate me because that’s all I do is write. Now I’m worried that they would think I’m showing off. This is all I do. It keeps my mind focused. I’m not supposed to be at 46,000 words and I’m already there. I can write 10,000 words a day. It’s a piece of cake to me. When other writers are struggling, it makes me feel like this terrible person. So, I’m stressing out over other writers’ thoughts of me. I feel extremely guilty and I can’t offer others any word of encouragement because my brain is so scattered right now. I’m no use to cheer other writers up and it’s frustrating to me.
- Nonfiction November: I want to read but I can’t settle my brain down for five seconds. The election has me messed up.
- Therapy session: I’m worrying about my therapist recommending hospitalization. For me to be away from my family, it will only make me worse off than I already am. I’m terrified of starting a new medication. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I’m paranoid that any new medication is going to make me still feel that “out-of-body” experience. I had that on Citalopram and Zoloft. I don’t want to feel that way again. They would almost have to keep me monitored. I’ll “wig out” and I know I will. My “wigging out” consists of non-violence. I’ll just cry and hyperventilate. I’ve done it twice. So taking Effexor scares the shit out of me. Where I have paranoia, I’ve read all of the negative reviews. Now I’m panicking after reading the reviews. But my therapist asked me to schedule an appointment with my PCP. The nurse on staff was a bitch on the phone. She was so hateful. This is why I don’t talk to people. That increased my social anxiety a million times over. I usually have other people make my appointments for me. The only one I’ll talk to is my therapist/psychologist.Besides my husband, my therapist/psychologist is the next person I can trust.
- My eyes: They keep twitching. They did spin back and forth last week out of control.
- Psoriatic Arthritis: My spine is killing me. I can’t sit down in a chair for a long period of time. It’s getting hard to walk around. I can feel the pain. It’s like someone pouring hot lava down my spine again.
- Crying: I’m crying over every little thing and I can’t stop. I guess that’s part of the low. I want to be happy. It seems after the Cubs, won and I lost my shit.
- Worried for other mental health patients: I want them to be okay. I hear others’ problems and I feel for them. I truly do. Mental illness in any capacity is no joke. A guy I was following on YouTube has deleted his account. I’m worried for him. You’ve got kids too. Don’t do anything stupid. If I have to stay alive, you do too. I don’t want to become another statistic. I want to see my children grow up. Your burden just becomes your loved ones’ burden. Not to mention, children of parents who commit suicide, are at a higher risk for suicide. You may think that you’re not loved. Trust me, you are loved. Even when you’re in your darkest moments. “This too, shall pass.” Hey, I’m fucked up. I admit that I’m fucked up. But I’m trying. I haven’t given up and you can’t either. The suicidal ideation, will always be there. But you’ve got to tell it no. You won’t make me a victim.It’s a struggle to stay afloat but those inspirational quotes do help.
- Russia & other countries: I’m stressing out over other countries. This is probably why I don’t watch the news much if at all. Current events are one of my triggers. All I can do is cry. I hate seeing other people suffering. We have wars and famine. I hate seeing children starving. I hate seeing parents hurting their children. I hug and kiss my children every day. I tell them that I love them every day. I cry for them. The USA is a mess. This is not the world I wanted to raise children in. I hate seeing kids suffering. It’s like nails going down a chalk/blackboard. I fear Nuclear weapons. Who will be the idiot, who hits the button? The ones who will suffer will be future generations. Russia shouldn’t threaten the USA but they are, due to who we elect as president. I’m really worried about my country. It’s sending me into a spiral. I also fear the riots from either outcome of this election. I fear innocent people getting hurt. There are assassination attempts for both candidates. I fear for their safety too. I shouldn’t but I do. I had a terrible nightmare about the future candidate. It woke me up in a cold sweat. I was shaking uncontrollably. My nerves are shot from this election. I have a friend who is traveling from Poland to the USA. I fear for his safety and his family’s safety. I fear for everyone’s safety. I feel that this election will be one nasty fallout. Please keep your family and friends safe. I don’t care who you vote for, just be safe. Vote and go home. My arms are still shaking. The voting starts in 4 1/2 hours, my time. This is the only election, I’ve had extreme fear and anxiety over.
- My sister: She’s been messaging me non-stop and she’s been driving me crazy. She is an avid Trump supporter and she’s been fighting with my relatives over Clinton. She’s stressing me out. This is the older sister “everyone notice me” sister. That shouldn’t surprise you any. I love my cousin, Elisa. Elisa is voting for Clinton and she currently lives in Australia but she is from the USA. I’ve had to shut down my Facebook because it’s triggering me. It’s non-stop posts about their support for Clinton or Trump. “You’re an asshole if you don’t support my chosen candidate.” I can’t be near Facebook and my sister keeps on tagging me!
- The contest that I’ve entered my manuscript to won’t let me delete my manuscript. It’s because of the high ratings it has been receiving. I guess that’s a good thing but it stresses me out. I’m that much closer to the 10,000 prize. There are three errors in the manuscript but they are nice enough to let me correct them. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. To me, errors are not something I enjoy seeing. I’m a die-hard perfectionist. And my therapist/psychologist is working on me to stop that trait. We’re trying to let that go! With Borderline, you tend to have that negative view of yourself. “It sucks!” when in actuality, it doesn’t. One little wrong word will send me into that Borderline spiral. Even though it is better than other works, you’ve seen, you still have this wave of self-doubt. You try to find anything that’s wrong with it and you take a bomb to it (not literally). I know it’s good but it isn’t good enough. It’s that constant strive for perfection that will drive me into a downward spiral. They were nice enough to let me fix it and send in the better manuscript. My anxiety is releasing from that issue ever so slowly. It doesn’t look pretty.
This is what fuels the nasty beast, Anxiety. It’s a terrible mental health illness and I found out tonight, just how dangerous Anxiety can be. People may laugh and think it’s not as dangerous as Borderline or Bipolar, but it can become just as terrible to live with. It’s a nasty bitch of a mental illness. So, in order to combat it, even though I’m still shaking, I’m listening to Phil Collins’s “Take Me Home.” It really is a song about mental illness. So many people believe it’s about going home, when really it’s about a mental asylum. He wrote the song after “One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest.” I haven’t read the book yet but I have watched the movie. I loved the movie. Ironically, I enjoy reading about my mental illnesses or watching movies about mental illnesses. Even though some of the movies are dead wrong about a ton of mental illnesses, I still laugh or cry. It should trigger me but it doesn’t. I have it in my head that it’s fiction. I would love to have true stories focus on what it’s really like. But no matter how they portray metal illnesses, it will never look pretty on the screen. I give mad props to those who choose to have their lives dictated on the big screen. They have big balls to do that. I wouldn’t want anyone to see mine until after the people are dead. Until I’m dead from natural causes. It would be too horrific for me to watch. That’s probably why I don’t want to write a book about it. I’ll write about fiction. I love fiction. I’ll just give my characters my issues and see how they handle it all.