Three days and nights with no sleep. Does that sound familiar? Rush of ideas and you’re standing at an intersection. There are a million different roads to choose from and you just want to pick that one road. Those are the “flight” of ideas that rush in. They expect that people with Bipolar 1, can’t finish a project. Having the attention span of a gnat.
Well, I finished one book. It is being judged in a contest and the Borderline is flaring. I haven’t finished my project yet, but it’s getting there. Baby steps. One foot in front of the other. I can’t read the reviews. I know they are good but I just can’t read them. The Borderline and Anxiety will be my destruction or downfall.
I’m good with Bipolar 1. I actually love this one. It keeps me reading an unrealistic list of books. It keeps me writing books. I can use this mental health disorder to my advantage. I’ve come to accept Bipolar and work when I’m in manic. Ironically, I find this to be more stable of the other mental health illnesses. What? As long as the depression is down to a minimum, I’m good with Bipolar. I’ve learned how to deal with the damn lows. Music helps with the lows. I know in my mind that it’s only temporary. It does suck, when you’re in the middle of a deadline and you hit a low. I have to stop everything and tend to my lows. If I don’t than I’m going to wind up in the hospital. Mine could last anywhere from an hour to a week. Sometimes the depressive episodes last longer than a week.
Sometimes the BPD will show up. The accusatory action that flares from time to time. Yesterday, it flared. OMG! Did it flare. I recognized I was going through a surge of anger. I had to talk myself out of it. This isn’t you and this is Borderline talking. The mood didn’t last long this time. I found the rage and changed my line of thinking. It only lasted an hour this time instead of an entire day. I’m making progress.
How can I tell the difference between Bipolar rage and Borderline rage? Easy… I accuse people of talking behind my back and accuse people of crazy things. That sounds like paranoia. It’s hard to point out which is which. Normally I feel differently when I have a Bipolar rage. Like nothing will make me happy. It may last as long as a BPD rage but it’s this nothing I do, will satisfy it. Borderline, I can get it out of my system and it dies down. I’m back to normal. Well, my definition of what’s normal for me. Oddly enough, I don’t yell. I raise my voice but I don’t yell. With BPD, it’s common to hear screamers. The ones, you want to knock out. Mainly because my mom embarrassed me as a young teen. She would scream over every little thing. I would have to apologize to my friends. I don’t want to become like her.
As for creativity, I use Bipolar to my advantage. Some of us are comedians, performers, writers, actors, etc… There is a healthy list of creative people with Bipolar. Some of us crave the spotlight and enjoy it when our egos are stroked. Note that I say some of us. My eldest brother also has Bipolar, but he has Bipolar 2. He is an extremely intelligent person but he lacks in the creativity department. I would say that my oldest sister also has Bipolar I. She is extremely outgoing, great with math & accounting, great at designs, and she has a fashion sense. I know, Bipolar and money shouldn’t go together. She’s intelligent in other areas. Me, I enjoy writing. As for my other two brothers, to me, they carry traits of Bipolar. One carries traits of Bipolar I and the other carries traits of Bipolar 2 and Borderline. If something sets my third oldest brother off, he will cut you off, no questions asked. You won’t hear from him until there’s a death in the family.
Let me be clear, only my oldest brother and I are professionally diagnosed. The others refuse to obtain therapy. We experienced a ton of crazy shit in our childhood. We witnessed a ton of shit, too. If it doesn’t affect them now, it will in the future, or it has already. You wouldn’t believe how many people are walking around with all that burden on their shoulders. Therapy helps you change the irrational thoughts and make them rational. It also helps to retrain your brain. You don’t have to take medication. I’ve had mine for so long that medication is a bit pointless for me. Yes, I will go on it, if I feel the need for medication. Lamictal is my first drug of choice. I don’t want to go on Depakote. So far, I think with therapy, I’m doing quite well without it.
I’ve notice a ton of intelligent people and creative people have Bipolar. It isn’t the end of the world. I fear the Anxiety and Borderline over the Bipolar. I’m normally a cool person. I just hate the Anxiety and Borderline. These studies make it sound like you can’t be cured of Borderline. I don’t want to be that person. I hate that mental illness worse than Bipolar. The self-loathing, self-harming, the irrational thoughts, the accusations, the manipulation. I hate this one worse than anything. And watching nasty YouTube videos, they put Borderlines at the bottom of the totem pole. They really loathe the ones with Borderline. Mine was triggered by a bad childhood. Really bad childhood. It makes me feel like I’m the foulest creature on earth. They’re cool with Bipolar but as soon as you mention Borderline, they hiss at you and recoil. Either their first thought is DID (multiple personality disorder) or this thought… “You’re batshit crazy!” I know I am! Jeeze… I’m still human, though. I have feelings and care about people. I would put someone else before my own interests. Even my husband is exasperated with me at times. When he laughs at my mood swings, he makes me a little ticked off. “Do you hear yourself?” All the time! I hate it! But I’ve learned to put myself in a room to calm the fuck down. I learned to listen to music to counteract the pissed off Borderline. Sometimes, I’ll take a nap. “You have the ‘scary’ mental illness.” No fucking shit! But I’m sure there are other “scarier” mental illnesses than Borderline. I don’t know what they’re like and don’t want to find out.
Yes, I love Bipolar but I hate having Borderline & Anxiety. Those two hold me back. We’re down with the manic episodes.