Today, I stepped out of my comfort zone. I also merged my disorders together and came up with Bipordiety. It stands for Bipolar, Borderline, and Anxiety. I wrapped them up together in one tight word. Making up words comes natural to me.
Back to my comfort zone. I submitted my manuscript for book 1, online. Whether people read or not, it’s done. The catch, is that they have to accept it. They also have to see if it matches the criteria. My character starts out as a 17 yo girl. As the series progresses, she will become much older. Book 1 is tame. I also split the book in half. 1. It was too long. 2. It’s an easier read. 3. I exchanged characters.
For people suffering from Borderline and Anxiety, it is the most stressful position to put a person in. I don’t want to be judged or ridiculed for a book. It’s hard for me to let it go. For my sanity, I have to let it go. I need to test out my therapy. I need to be able to handle situations of ridicule. But it’s so fucking hard. I have to trick my brain. I’ve lived with Borderline for a long time. I’m sixteen years in. I can’t let this disorder control my life. I became a prisoner of my own mind. I have to challenge myself. I can’t keep living this way.
It’s only a $10,000 contract. No big deal. If it makes it, it makes it. If it don’t, then it means I’ve tried. I love my series and I still stand behind it. I did something I didn’t think I would ever do again. I put my soul on a shelf. I had to change out the characters. I went with my heart and gut. Yes, this is stressful for me. My anxiety is probably about a 10 plus. I have to conquer my demons. I’ve remained a victim for far too long. It’s hard to give up control. But this is the time that I have to rely on my friends and family. I can’t conquer Borderline and Anxiety if I sit in a room all day, wasting away. I’ve worked on my series for over 10 years now. I’ve done everything I could think of doing. It either swims or sinks.
I can’t give up. I’ve always wanted to become a writer. This is my dream. And to tell me that I can’t do something, only furthers my disorders. I will do it and nobody or nothing, will stop me from accomplishing my dreams.
For the next six months, I have no control over my book. I am unable to publish it until the sixth month, which will be April 17th, 2017. It’s a risk, I’m willing to take. I love my characters and my manuscripts. I wouldn’t change a thing. I did my best and that’s all I can say. This is a huge step forward for me. It means, I’m healing and coming to terms with myself.