The past two days, while being in manic, I have been feeling pissed off at everything. It feels as though everything has been bugging the shit out of me. I kept running into “authors” that are literary snobs. They have this list of what you can do and what you can’t do. But the way they give advice is usually snarky or assholy. These types of “authors” never have a best-selling body of work. Sometimes, their reviews are much lower than yours.
I knew this would trigger me. I can’t stand these types of “authors.” That’s why I hate, HATE LinkedIn. You have groups filled with writers. The problem is that they include traditional with self-published authors. There is a certain level of snobbery coming from the traditional authors. They can be downright nasty. I’ve never found a good group on LinkedIn or Facebook. I’ve wanted to pull my hair out. I have to avoid those groups. They trigger my BPD and if they trigger it enough, I’m liable to say some pretty choice words. I’ve actually been kicked out of a group because I slammed one hardcore. I don’t belong in those groups. I just don’t enjoy them discouraging new writers and give them bad advice.
I also have Trichotillomania, so I can say, pulling my hair out. I have pulled out large clumps of my own hair. I had bald spots on the back of my scalp. When I pull too much hair out, I have to cut my hair off. I’ll pick out my eyelashes and eyebrows. That’s why my eyebrows have gaps in them. My hair has finally grown out, but I’m starting to pull again. It’s annoying and frustrating. I pull my hair out by the roots. It deals with stress for me. If I’m stressing out about something, a second later, I have a clump of hair pulled.
Anyway, today is about Borderline Personality Disorder. If something sticks in my crawl, I have to get it out. To me, it feels like I’ll blow up if I don’t release some of the rage. That keeps me from breaking or throwing shit around. It also keeps me from cutting, which is what I struggle with. It could be the tiniest thing and it will set me off. When I rage, I usually break shit. I haven’t broken shit in a long time. I use meditation techniques or try to trick my brain into thinking rationally. Sometimes a bath will snap me out of it. Sometimes sleep will snap me out of it.
With me as a Borderline, I can go from 0 to 100 in a second, when it comes to emotions. There is no middle ground. Like if someone says something critical, even if they didn’t mean it a certain way, I will take it and run with it. I will also remind someone they did to me from 8 years ago. I have a good memory to remind you of what you said x amount of years ago. It will either induce a rage or a crying fit. If I go into a crying fit then Anxiety will kick in. Down on the floor, we go. I’ve been hit with manic and BPD at the same time. And that sucks.
This week, I’ve been struggling with BPD. I have been so irritable, it isn’t funny. I have snapped at people all this week. Someone made this mistake and I blew my lid. “When will you be finished with your book?” A family member asked me and I snapped at them. “It will be fucking done, when I say it will be done. Leave me the fuck alone.” After I said that, the family member turned around and walked out.
I have found the current political race isn’t for me. Every time Trump opens his mouth, I picture smashing his face in. I have to turn off everything or I’ll stay in my rage. When you’ve been raped, you don’t take kindly to others bragging about sexually assaulting women. I have no problem with talking about pussy. That wasn’t my fucking problem. It was the fact that he was so smug when he said he grabbed that pussy anyway, because he can. I don’t like Clinton either. If she’s hiding his rape activity, I have 0 respect for her. I’m angry that we are stuck choosing between these two idiots. Since I’m a member of the third-party, I will vote straight third party.
“How can you still vote?” Well, my state hasn’t taken away my voting privileges. If I received mental disability, I wouldn’t be able to vote. As for jury duty, I can’t handle that. I list why I can’t do jury duty and the judge will exclude me. I wouldn’t be a good juror. If a child was killed that would trigger me and my issues. I would be an unfair juror. So, every time they send me a notice for jury duty, I include all of my mental health issues and that will exclude me from jury duty.
Yes, I’ve gone on a Facebook and Twitter rant all week-long over stupid shit. Mainly over Trump, but anything that’s bugging me. I’ve probably pissed a ton of people off. But it really bugs me. I have to turn off the news or talk radio. I can’t handle that stuff. If I watch a movie, read a book, or watch a television show, I’m fine. I normally enjoy horror or thrillers. I enjoy gore too. It’s really weird. You would think that would trigger me, but it doesn’t.
I ask people don’t diagnose someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. Someone thought they would diagnose their wife with that. This is what will happen, when you accuse Borderlines of the right disorder. 1. We will throw shit at you. 2. We could have the possibility of becoming violent with you. 3. You might be sleeping outdoors for a while. 4. We will leave. My best advice is to keep calm. Don’t call them crazy and leave the diagnosis to the professionals. Borderlines have a problem with asking for help too. Not only do Bipolars believe there is nothing wrong with them, but Borderlines are similar. We can devalue people quite easily. I always have a snarky remark for rude people.
I’m okay in public until someone does something really stupid. I’m quite nice but I do have severe social anxiety. To get me to talk, would be a miracle. I hate talking to people. As a writer, that isn’t a good thing to do. Even with my own family members, I hate talking to them. I piss them off when they type me. I always give them the thumb’s up sign. It’s to tell them to shut up and to leave me alone.
Writing is the one place, I feel 100% accepted. I enjoy staying in my own world. If I could move there in my mind, I would. It keeps the rage and euphoria in check. Writing levels me out and it’s my own special place. To take writing away from me, it would destroy me. I love writing and I’ve always loved writing. I didn’t want to do any other job out there. I enjoy playing all the roles.
From the statistics, Borderlines have a higher suicide rate than those with Bipolar. I go through bouts of self-doubt, self-loathing, and self-hatred. There has been days that I wished I never woke up. There are days where I’ve felt everyone and everything was stupid. That is the Borderline talking. It is the “I love you and I hate you,” disorder. I have said some fucked up things to people, just to make them leave.
I can remember suffering from BPD as early as 1994. My mother told me to clean off my dresser and I remember taking my hand and wiping the dresser clear. I remember telling her it was clean. That was the start of it. But I also remember rage as early as 1991. I would get into fights at school.
This is the disorder, I hate. This is the one that pisses me off the most. With DBT and CBT, it can be managed. The problem is getting us into therapy. I have no problems with the Bipolar. I’ve had that since 1990. Bipolar is a whole lot better than Borderline. I love my manic episodes. I hate the depressive episodes. If I could go without a disorder, I would pick Borderline. We are on the border with our emotions. We can’t handle abandonment but we also go through a ton of relationships. It’s harder to have a relationship with someone who has Borderline. We can also have the potential to become extremely possessive over our loved ones.
If you choose to date us. Please don’t scream at us. We will either go off on you or cry. It’s either one extreme or another. Be patient. Be prepared to hear some foul shit. We need transparency at all times. I have the passwords to my husband’s accounts. And he will give me his phone. The problem is that it enables us. I don’t check my husband’s stuff as much as I used to. I think the last time I checked his stuff was in 2009. He is the first and only person, I trust. It’s hard to win a Borderline’s trust. You say one wrong thing to us, we automatically put a wall up. We don’t give second chances either. Some may but I don’t. I also don’t enjoy people screaming in my face. Once you scream at me, you’re done. I won’t have another thing to do with you. The only exceptions are my kids. I love my kids.
I’ve never spanked or screamed at my kids. They actually bring me back to life. I am extremely overprotective of them. They are my entire world. I will give them chocolate and spoil them rotten. But, my kids also have manners and get good grades. They also understand that mommy gets sick a lot. They love me unconditionally.
This is what it’s like to suffer from Borderline. Mine is middle BPD. I’m not the high level and I’m not the low levels of BPD.