Have you ever been told that you’re not good enough? I have on multiple occasions. Some by family members, ex-manager, and ex-lovers. But, they were wrong. They know nothing about me. They don’t know what I struggled through all my life. They don’t understand the surgeries, the scares, the suicide attempts, the rape, the abuse that I endured. I came out of it all on top like a hopeful star. I survived when others didn’t. Not many would have survived if they were in my shoes.
Today, my husband looked at my arm and freaked out. He thought I was cutting my arm again. It’s actually swatches of lipsticks. Brown, red, pink, and nude lipsticks. It does look like I’ve harmed myself. Especially with the blood-red lipstick swatch. No, I told him what they are as I rubbed my fingers over it to show it’s fading. Next time, I need to use the makeup remover so he doesn’t freak out on me.
Let me be clear. What someone else is going through will be different from what I went through. I can’t lump all of us together. There are much worse things out there which people endured and survived. Sometimes, the pain is just too much for one person to bear. I understand. I’ve been to the lowest of the low. The dark of the darkness. There is still that part of me that wants to lash out on the world, but she’s contained in a dark corner, eyeing me with her dark eyes, dark hair, and dark makeup. She hates that I silenced her. The rage and anger are still there, but it’s quiet. Even though she’s still there and around me, I no longer care what people think or say about me. I know my truth. I own it proudly. I survived the most unthinkable situations and rose to say, “I’m not done yet, bitches.” That part of me won’t let people tear her down anymore. Instead of the self-loathing and self-hatred, she’s learned that there are people who are just plain jerks. They don’t understand what they don’t have. They probably never will. But, karma is a bitch. She’s a nasty vile creature, lying in waiting. I’ve seen karma come out to play in many situations. It maybe slight, but she does just enough to prove she’s there. That in itself is sweet justice.
I’ve lived in fear for so long that I allowed those people to maintain control over me. Why did I let them do it for so long? Because, I was scared of them. I became the little girl all over again, hugging her teddy bear, wanting it all to stop. The little blonde girl with curls and dark brown eyes was so scared. Now she’s quiet as well. The monster and the angel are both quiet at the same time.
To the people who told me I wasn’t good enough. You’re right. I’m not good enough… Not good enough for you to insult, humiliate, bully, or badger anymore. I am the sexiest woman alive for my husband and he’s all who matters. I’m here to turn him on, not you. Thank you for dumping me, because I found someone who stuck by my side, when he should have left on multiple occasions. I found someone better than you. He is better than good enough. He’s a fucking angel, and I have no doubt that he’ll rightfully earn his wings when he passes away.
To my dad… I AM fucking good enough! When you pass away, I’ll be dancing the night away on a cruise ship to a big adventure.
I want to thank from the bottom of my heart, my Uncles Larry, George, Hank, Denny, and Jerry for stepping up to the plate. More importantly, my late Uncle George. He taught me many things about religion, English, and math. He taught me how to fish the proper way. He even cooked for me. He taught me how to become a decent human being and a proper lady. I miss him today. So if people ask me about Uncle Aaron from book 2… There ya go… There’s my Uncle George in black & white print.
I remember the feeling of being alone. It’s a terrifying concept for me. But tonight, I look around and realize that I have a family. My kids love me. My husband thinks the world of me. And I have two mothers living with us who make me laugh. I can laugh without crying. It took me many years, but I have my shit together. We can’t compare journeys because everyone’s life story is different. I won’t let anyone degrade another human being in my sight. I will stop them and correct them immediately. I am not a gossiper. Nor do I care. No more toxic energy around me. Starting with the deletion of multiple people from Facebook tonight. They need to be permanently blocked from my life. No more! I’m taking back my power. Let me be a fierce bitch that I am.
And to the person who wanted to insult another writer for not editing their tweets when they post their WIP’s on Twitter… WTF do you think a WIP is? It’s called a work-in-progress for a fucking reason. Don’t discourage new writers. Why? Because, there’s always a bigger asshole like me who will call your ass out. A work-in-progress will have errors. Just like my blogs. They have tons of errors. Do I give a flying fuck? Nope! I’m doing my thing and enjoying my power for once. I will speak up for people now. Like I’ve said, I don’t care what people think or believe. I am still a human being, trying to survive this shit hole planet. But there are amazing people out in the world. Let’s celebrate the nice people, not the mean ones. Be good to each other, spread love and positivity. Think outside of the box.